The Bill of Rights as originally composed contained fourteen
amendments to the Constitution. They
were all written by James Madison, overwhelmingly passed by both houses of
Congress and ratified by all thirteen states.
However, when they were being printed up to be placed in the Library of
Congress, there wasn’t enough vellum to include them all. So the last four amendments were excised due
to these physical printing limitations. Fortunately,
these last four amendments have recently been discovered among Madison’s papers
in an old mayonnaise crock in the basement of his Montpelier home.
Therefore to correct history I have been given the honor of
reproducing Madison’s original text of the extra four Bills of Rights, viz:
11 – Marriage in these United States is to be defined as a
matrimony between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, a
man and multiple women, a woman and multiple men, multiple men and multiple
women, a man and a sheep, and a woman and a goat. However, marriage between a
goat and a sheep is not permitted unless the Supreme Court so affirms.
12 – Any method or device of contraception to avoid the
curse of pregnancy is hereby allowed in all the states. This includes “sheepskins” or other such
penal sheaths, any tiny pills that may be invented, using the “calendar
method,” or even eating Mexican food immediately after copulation. These methods and devices are to be paid for
by the federal government to whatever degree and for whatever age groups are deemed
necessary … especially for female law students.
13 – If perchance pregnancies do occur despite all these contraceptive
precautions, then termination of said pregnancies (herein called “abortion”) is
permitted by any medical method available or so devised in the future. However, such abortions cannot be permitted if
the ball of protoplasm has learned to speak or is potty trained.
14 – Voting for federal and state government offices is
hereby extended to all adults … beyond male landowners to all males (literate
or not), all females (ditto), anyone not dead for more than six months, and any
visitors to our shores. The process of
voting does not require any prior registration or physical presence and can
occur anytime within a four week window before and after the actual election
date. All the voting process itself requires is that said voter mark a ballot,
send a missive indicating a ballot preference, tell someone to mark his/her
ballot by proxy, or even using a process called “inference.” Here, inference is defined as those currently
in office deducing how certain voters might have voted. If this stipulated process is not adhered to,
it shall be deemed “voter suppression.”
In closing, I think we can now all feel a great sense of
relief that these forgotten amendment manuscripts have been discovered and hereby
revealed to us. Thank you, Mr. Madison!
