The Confessional

Donald Trump: Father I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession.
Priest: Yes my son ... what sins have you committed during this time?
Trump: Well Father I did covet my neighbor's wife and made advances toward her.
Priest: Did you consummate this relationship?
Trump: No. but I sure tried hard enough.
Priest: Anything else?
Trump: Yes, Father ... I spoke with profanity ... but I didn't use the Lord's name in vain. I did call Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig.
Priest: That's OK. She is. What else?
Trump: I refused to pay the full bill of an architect who did a lousy job.
Priest: Did you compensate him fairly?
Trump: According to my lawyers, I did.
Priest: Is that it?
Trump: Just one more thing ... I fat-shamed an employee who broke her personal contract and gained 40 pounds.
Priest: OK, then Mr. Trump. Say 20 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's ... and apologize to that woman.

Priest: Next!

Hellary Clinton: Father I have sinned. It's been 30 years since my last confession.
Priest: What sins have you committed?
Clinton: Well, Father, by my inaction, I caused the deaths of four of my employees ... and then lied about it to their parents.
Priest: OK, anything else that you want to confess?
Clinton: Yes, Father, I started two wars in the Middle East that have cost hundreds of thousands of innocent lives.
Priest: (Gulp) And?
Clinton: I also have been careless with state secrets which may have changed the international balance of power and even cost the lives of some secret agents.
Priest (fidgeting): Sigh! ... anything else?
Clinton: Yes, my husband has raped some women and violated others ... and I destroyed their reputations in the national media.
Priest (now profusely sweating): I hope there's nothing else.
Clinton: Yes there is. I sold access to our government for a bunch of big contributions to a phony charity my family controls and uses as a honey pot.
Priest: Please! No more!
Clinton: Not enough time to list them all ... but, oh yes, I have committed perjury and have frequently borne false witness to the American people..
Priest: Stop! I am going to have to take this up with the Bishop. Come back next month for your penances ... but, in the meantime, don't run for any public office.