Love

Can you use an extra fifty thousand tax-free dollars?  Well our generous government has concocted a way for perspicacious individuals to claim such largess.  All you need to do is to get a “Love” form from the Department of Agriculture (USDA) within the next 88 days and, on it, claim that your deceased mother or grandmother or sister filed for a farm loan from this government agency in the 1990’s and was denied one because of her gender.  If you think I’m blowing smoke, see: The "Love" Program. And you need not worry about being thrown in the poky for concocting lies, you won’t.  Nobody will be investigated for mendacity in this program … it’s written into the law.  What you say is swallowed, er, accepted, as gospel.  So no need to fret.  Just spend a day spinning a good agrarian yarn and the government will reward you for your creative prose.

And, if you are lucky enough to have a black or Hispanic deceased close relative (or can make one up), you might also get an equal amount from the “Pigford” or “Garcia” programs also run out of the USDA.  Just think about that … $150,000 in Uncle Sam checks that are just waiting for you for the asking.  (And you wonder why we are running such monumental fiscal deficits?)

Then, when you get your check(s), all I ask is a 10% commission for this heads-up.  I think that's only fair.